Money issues… (Do you want to know how to stop arguing about money?)
Do you argue about money with your partner? Do you blame your partner for having a different way of dealing with money? Let’s stop the unnecessary arguments!
All the conflict comes down to having different money blueprints.
So what is a money blueprint? It is a relationship with money that people usually inherit from their parents. It’s the fears and hopes that people attach to money. It’s the way people deal with money and what money symbolises to them.
Most of the time the problems that couples usually face are not about the amount of money as such, but about their different attitudes. Most couples attach opposing meaning to money and that’s how conflicts arise.
How To Stop Arguing About Money:
1. Have a conversation with your partner about how the money was handled in your original families. Was it a source of stress and disagreements or freedom? Were your parents skilful at managing money or were they spending without thinking about the future?
2. Identify the choice both of you made: have you decided to relate to money in the same way as your parents did or have you rebelled against them?
3. Find out what money means to your partner. Is it freedom or security or source of pleasure or status? What are his fears and motivations around money? Is it the fear to lose money or to be judged for having too much? Is their primary motivation to save to create financial freedom or is it to get as much pleasure as possible right in this moment by spending it all?
4. Create a shared meaning around money. Step into the spirit of partnership and decide together what your shared goals are and what you are trying to accomplish. Make a list of behaviours that you will adopt from now on as a couple to achieve your goals.
5. Whenever a conflict arises, make a decision based on your shared goals and values.
This process is inspired by T. Harv Eker.
Please share in the comments below how this post was useful and let us know how the conversations with your partner went.
Look what she’s done!
My client Claire (she gave me her permission to share this with you) read the above and realised that in her marriage they never openly discussed money.
She saw that in her family there was never enough money, so whenever she had money, she just wanted to spend. That was her blueprint – spend it while you have it.
Now, her husband Peter was used to having money and wanted to save to provide a better future for their family.
Can you see the conflict?
The resentment and hidden motives always bring a drift in the relationship. Figuring out how to let go of the resentment and share openly each other’s motives is the doorway to creating a deeper connection between partners.
Claire wanted to buy a life pass for the local ski resort for herself, though they barely went there. Peter resisted and Claire became resentful. In her view, they have money, why can’t she spend it? This is what money is for, right?
Claire is such a bright and thoughtful woman, and once she gets inspired she acts right away. Hooray to Claire!
After reading the steps on how to stop arguing about money, she stepped into a partnership with her husband and saw that their family goal was to save money to go on an exciting family trip. So here is what she decided she’s going to do to support that goal and her husband efforts to save for this goal:
- I am saving all I could from day one of the idea coming into my head – from 11 October 2016.
- I resisted and didn’t buy a Life Pass. I didn’t go there often now and have no idea if our kids will be into it 🙂
- I’m preparing my own lunch whenever possible.
- I’m not buying the extra high heels I want.
- I’m using all my skincare products before buying new ones.
- Hair products – I use what’s in the bathroom first.
The amazing thing, Claire is following through with her actions.
So what she’s really done is:
1) Identified her money blueprint
2) Stepped into partnership with her husband, that feeling “we are in this together and we have same goals as a family”
3) Identified in what areas of her life she wasn’t aligned with her family’s goals
4) Aligned her actions with the family goals
Now it’s your turn! Identify your money blueprint and share with us what you notice about it and how it is in conflict with your partner’s or your family’s goals, if so.
If you need more help resolving the arguments, here is my magic 5-step formula to help you stop the arguments and get your needs met.
With a hug,