|The relationship road could be hellish… |
It seems that the story of ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t stand the test of reality…
Relationships are a fast track to personal growth. And somehow humans grow through discomfort and tension.
Good news: if you are having problems in your relationship – it’s normal.
What is your experience? Hit reply to share.
None of us are perfect people. So it makes sense that relationship between two imperfect humans is challenging. We all misinterpret things, react and get upset. It’s okay. It’s part of being human.
I know, I know, we are tricked into believing that if we find that perfect partner, it’d be all chocolate and roses. And some of us continue looking for that perfect One. The problem is, even when we find ‘the One’, we will still have tension and conflict. It’s unavoidable and part of being in a relationship.
What to do if you are having challenges in your relationship?
First of all, take that big pressure of having a ‘perfect relationship’ off your shoulders.
Hug yourself and say to yourself: “Ahh, I see you are having challenges. It’s okay. You are okay. It doesn’t mean that you are in a wrong relationship. It doesn’t mean that love is not possible and you will always be lonely. You are loveable. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. And you partner doesn’t have to be perfect for you to experience love.”
Then let’s find a new way to navigate tensions in your relationship using the following steps.
Let’s go through the steps using my example:
Step #1 Specific incidence: my partner decided to spend time with friends on the evening that I cleared just for us.
Step #2 How it felt in my body: I felt like a wall came up in front of me, my body became rigid and I felt frozen inside.
Step #3 My action was: I started to do things around the house and act busy.
Step #4 How I interacted with my partner: I replied coldly when he asked what’s going on and I said “I need to work and it doesn’t seem like you care anyway.”
Step #5 What was really going on for me: I felt hurt, sad and rejected. It felt like I was stabbed with a knife in my chest. It felt too vulnerable to admit that I was hurt. It was easier to pretend that I don’t care.
Step #6 The courageous leap of faith: I stopped, focused on my breathing for a minute and became aware of what was really going on for me. I shared with my partner that I felt rejected and hurt. I expressed myself verbally and allowed myself and my partner to see my emotions: my body softened, shoulders relaxed and I cried.
Step #7 Letting my partner off the hook: I told him he doesn’t need to change himself or his plans. I just want to express how I’m feeling and I want him to listen. He hasn’t done anything wrong, I haven’t done anything wrong, and I got hurt in the process.
His response: He responded graciously, listened to me and hugged me. We made plans of spending time together around his plans.
Now think of your example and go through all the 7 steps. There is no way you can control or predict how your partner will respond. This is why step 6 is a courageous leap of faith.More often than not partners respond empathically.
I invite you to follow these steps and let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear from you! Let me know what worked and what didn’t.
And maybe your relationship is in such a place that your partner won’t respond positively to your vulnerability. Maybe your relationship is in a negative override (this means that whatever you do or say your partner takes negatively and becomes defensive) or you find it impossible to be vulnerable with your partner.
If this is your case, I’d be happy to talk with you and together we can figure out your next step. Apply for a free breakthrough session here:
With a big warm hug,