You finally found it…

Give them up or destroy your love.

1. Compromising

Maybe when you were single, you loved going dancing. Now that you are in a relationship and you know that you partner prefers you to stay at home with you, you stopped dancing to please them. Though you really really miss dancing. This is compromising. Dictionary definition of ‘compromise’ – an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. Meaning of ‘concession’ – the act of admitting a defeat, the act of giving up.

Have you heard this myth that relationships are about compromising?

It surely makes us resentful and less present in the relationship.

It makes couples fantasize about breaking up and doing whatever they want, living the life they really want. Is this why we get into a relationship? To live the life we don’t really want and give up on our dreams?

I don’t think so and I hope you don’t either.

It’s a high price to pay for love and it devalues love. Love becomes a prison. It makes us think, “I can’t be truly myself in this relationship, because I won’t be loved then.”

What to do instead:
Become clear of what’s really important for you. What are your dreams? What makes you happy? What do you love doing?

Then make sure that you choose a partner who likes your dreams and wants to support you.

If you are already in a relationship, learn how to express your needs and desires to inspire them to support you. You need to open the window into your inner world and show them what it means to you, why it’s important for you and what difference your partner’s support will make in your life.

I know it’s easier said than done. You’ll need courage to be vulnerable. Click here to get 13-step “Magic Formula to Stop Arguments and Enjoy Deep Intimate Connection With Your Partner”.

2. Blaming your partner

Have you ever thought…

“I don’t feel loved because he doesn’t show me love in the way I need.”
“I had a horrible weekend because she was in such a bad mood.”
“If only he’ll change his behavior, then I’ll be happy.”

Haven you ever said…
“It’s your fault we are late!”
“Why do you always have to fight? I’m sick of you arguing with me all the time.”
“You just don’t understand me!”
“You don’t care about me; all you think of is yourself.”

Honestly?

That’s blame, if you didn’t know. Blaming means telling someone that their behavior is wrong or they are wrong. The thesaurus definition is to find fault with, or to hold responsible for a fault or an error.

What blaming actually is? Telling the other they are wrong, but YOU ARE RIGHT. Of course we don’t say it out loud – “I am RIGHT!” – but think about it, and, covertly, it’s always there.

What happens to you when you feel blamed? You probably withdraw, defend yourself or attack. No, you don’t feel loving towards the one who blames you. The same happens for your partner.

What to do instead:
Maybe it was your partner’s fault. What I invite you to do is, even if your partner is 99 percent wrong, focus on your 1 percent. That’s where your power is.

A relationship is a system and if we focus on our 1 percent and change our 1 percent, the whole system is going to change. That’s how we claim our power. If we focus on 99 percent of what our partner does wrong, then we say he or she is more powerful and I can’t do anything about it. We say, I’m a helpless victim.

So my invitation is to take the focus back to yourself, your actions and your desires.

Ask yourself:

• If I were in an empowered state, how would I do things differently?
• What can I take responsibility for in the current situation?
• What desires, thoughts and needs am I not expressing that produce the current situation?
• Do I ever do the thing that I’m blaming my partner for?

3. The need to be right

Have you ever said…
“No, it was on Thursday!”
“No, Marie said that, not Elena! How can you be so mistaken?”
“No, you promised to go away this weekend, not next one.”
“No, I didn’t say that, you said it.”

Or something similar…

Honestly?

Sometimes we insist on being right in the details of life and this breaks the connection with our partners. How does it matter if it was Thursday and not Tuesday?

Well, there could be a deeper psychological reason, that leads to a question such as, “What else are you lying about?”

When we claim that we are right, we invalidate our partner’s reality. We close down and get into a righteous mood, which is, oh my, so unattractive and kills the intimacy.

What to do instead: Accept the reality of how it is for your partner in this moment and become curious.

“So it sounds like you don’t want to go away this weekend. Can you please tell me more about it?”

Or just let go of a miniscule detail of life. What can help is asking yourself, “Will it matter for me in a year’s time if it was Tuesday or Thursday?”

4. Prioritizing safety over variety and excitement

Do you know about this one?

The huge mistake couples make is taking all elements of uncertainty out of their relationship.

Couples stop being adventurous and women often start turning their man into a girlfriend by telling him everything that happened during the day and having the romantic partner as the only confidant. We also follow predictable routines all the time.

We, as humans, have two vitally important conflicting needs – safety, or certainty, and variety, or uncertainty. Usually the elements of uncertainty are very high in the beginning of the relationship. Then, we have such a strong drive to create more and more certainty, because it makes us feel safe, but the drawback is that too much certainty kills passion.

The attraction exists in the space between us. I know some people’s ideal is to do everything with their partner, but then what happens is you become so familiar, there is no separation and no space for the attraction to exist. Then we get bored, and maybe start to think that we are wrong for each other and we need to find someone new.

Have these thoughts come up in your mind?

What to do instead:
You don’t need to be so dramatic and change partners to get the excitement back! All you need to do is to introduce some element of uncertainty or variety.

You might want to spend a day or two apart. When you get back together, there will be more aliveness and curiosity. Or go to interesting workshops that expand your horizons. Spending time with other couples without children or going on adventures together can work wonders.

What can you do this week to break the routine and do something new?

5. Assuming that relationships are supposed to be happy and loving all the time

Intimate relationships are the vehicle for growth and expansion.

And growth can be uncomfortable.

What to do instead:
So when you experience tension in your relationship, know that this is totally normal. Don’t just expect to enjoy love and understanding all the time. You wouldn’t grow then.

Welcome tension. Tension means an opportunity to grow and connect deeper with your partner is right here. Will you step forward and create more love and understanding? Or will you choose to blame your partner for making you feel uncomfortable?

As long as you know you are making that choice, I’m happy for you. Being conscious in our blaming can be a very freeing experience. The problem though, you probably won’t be able to indulge in it for an extended period of time.

What do you choose? Let me know!

Post your comments below, ask your questions and I promise I will answer from the depth of my knowledge.

Next week I will share with you next five things you need to give up to enjoy a deeply loving and connected relationship.